Dear Buddah Belly,
I’m finding it hard to look at you and see the beauty
in performing such an amazing miracle. I’m not quite sure why this 2nd time around is so difficult for me.
I mean, let’s be honest here: I should be bragging
about how you’re carrying a whole other person! Helping them to form and
develop and get ready for the outside world. Which, also let’s be honest can be
a scary place! So you need to be as ready as possible!
For some reason when I look in the mirror at all the
extra curves, dimples, acne, and marks I just see a reminder of what my body
isn’t anymore…it isn’t bikini ready, it isn’t skinny, it can’t fit into my old
clothes. It’s not as small as it was during my first pregnancy. I find
myself comparing you to pregnant celebrity bodies, perfectly pregnant bodies at
that. In my head I know that isn’t realistic and they get to wear the expensive
maternity clothes, have 2 hours of hair and make-up, and maybe not indulge in
Dairy Queen as much as I do =).
What I should really see is all the things that these
changes mean and be grateful for the opportunity. So many women would love the
chance to carry a life inside them. To have to warrior marks of being a
mother. This is a time I will never be able to get back, the only time that
my daughter will literally be a part of me. Where I am solely responsible for
her entire wellbeing. She and her brother are the only people to know the sound
and rhythm of my heartbeat from the inside. I
am the only person that will ever know what it was like to feel them grow and
stretch inside me. Their kicks and hiccups (even their little hands/feet
getting caught in my rib cage) =0).
So I’m really going to make an effort to look at the
positives, I only have about 96 days before you’re here and as excited as I am
to meet you I want to enjoy this pregnancy too. Instead of complaining about being tired from
lack of sleep, I’m going to enjoy our little 3am parties. You’re obviously just
trying to spend some girl time with me! And when I get those Braxton Hicks
contractions, I’ll know it’s because you just want to meet me [BUT you need to
grow a little more first!]. I’m going to try to ignore the number on the scale
because maybe the extra weight is keeping you extra comfy and warm [We’ve had some really cold days this winter]. And all
these extra marks…well one day when you’re 16 I may use them for my
benefit when you want to roll your eyes
at me and tell me I don’t understand you 😉
The thing is you’re a beautiful blessing and a work of art;
you will be a little piece of me and your dad walking around. Sure, I may not
look like Rachel Zoe or Kim Kardashian and I may never look like my 21 year old
self again but that’s ok because having you will be so worth it.
We’re all so looking forward to meeting you, your big
brother is so excited to hold you and help feed you. Your dad is ready for
daddy/daughter dates, and I’m excited about not being outnumbered by boys in
the house! You take your time and make sure you’re all done growing, we can be
patient, it just give me some more time to learn to be comfortable in this mommy body of mine.
Love you already.
Please note that I do NOT resent my pregnancy in ANY WAY! I’m merely having a ‘girl moment’ and finding it difficult to accept my changing body. I love my baby more than words can say and I can’t wait for April when she’ll be here.